My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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