my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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