Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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