so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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