I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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