This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
