im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
