I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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