would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
