I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
