I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
do herpes really smell.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
