I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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