hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
