I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
