There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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