you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
