I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
