U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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