I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
