i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It's just like the Real World with babies
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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