the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
