Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
