I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
