The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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