I cut my penus on the lid.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
