a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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