Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
