Got a toothbrush?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
