can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
