I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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