i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize