he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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