I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
