Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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