Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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