Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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