never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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