I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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