Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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