really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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