I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
