so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
