so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
