Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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