Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Mom said you looked used
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
