apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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