were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
