You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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