I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
