Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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