I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your penis caused this!
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