How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
