Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize