i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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