I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
